For the past few months, I’ve been trying to work through the fact that I’m passing up the age my sister Katie was when she went to be with Jesus. My mind struggles to deal with the notion that even though I’m her little sister, I have now passed my big sister’s age. I am now living days that she never got to see on this earth. But also, I am living days that I have never seen her live. And this is very difficult for me.
This past Tuesday, I officially lived past the age she was at the time of her accident. Tuesday morning, I woke up around 7:00, and I could not help but ponder what Katie was thinking before the time of her fatal car accident at 7:30. What were her prayers? What song was in her head that morning? Did she consciously put on the colorful friendship-bracelet-like necklace I sent her for her birthday just a few weeks before? What was it like when she KNEW she was going to see Jesus in a few seconds?
These are things I don’t know right now, but at this age, I can’t help but grapple with where she was–because where she was is largely where I am in my life right now. And what’s most difficult about it all for me is that I can’t ask her what she was going through during her first year of college. What did it feel like for her to move away from home, meet new friends, experience God’s presence in a deeper way?
Yet, I am left without answers to those questions. But, I am not left without comfort. And THAT’S what allows me to rest in God’s purpose for Katie’s life and His purpose for my life too. I suppose these unanswered questions at the core of my heart are just another reason for me to rely on God to provide the answers in His timing. He promises that in His time, we will fully see Him. We will see His purpose.
Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “SEE” echoes my feelings so strongly. As much as I would LOVE to hold my sister at this moment, I know that where she is is a place far better beyond anything I could imagine. And in her heart, I know she would want me to continue to holding on to the promise of God’s comfort for me.